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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Mommy Please

I love my son and while I was admiring him and how fast he is growing I realized that my admiration was turning into a slight bit of jealousy.  Yeah what a horrible mother!  No but seriously... I'm jealous because I'm not a kid anymore.  The luxury of having someone wait on you hand and foot and you don't even have to say a word! 

I remember being a kid.  The farthest back my memories go is when I was about 3 years old.  I think it's mostly due to the fact that my parents videotaped me back then and although the tape is quite deteriorated you can still catch my Dad watching it today or maybe it is because that is when the world revolved around ME.  My brother was born when I was four so of course in my world I was treated like chopped liver.  Ahhh, the good 'ol days - I had my two naps, someone to dress me, change me, feed me, sing to me, and play with me.  Everyone wants to be your friend and buys you gifts and wants nothing more but to make you laugh.

Although that is all grand - that wasn't where the jealousy was coming from.  My son is only a few months old so he doesn't have the concept of wanting something.  He only understands needing something.  I know that when I shop that trait would be so very helpful not only to my pocket book but also able to avoid the self humiliation when you finally clear out your closet and realize you still have some articles of clothing that you never wore and still have tags on them.  The other trait that he has that I am envious of is that he truly and honestly lives in the moment.  Ugh, how I wish I could do that!  The ability to not think about why I was pissed at my husband five minutes ago but that he is awesome right now or to be content when I laugh and soak in all of its happiness. 

I think it is so true... that when you live in the moment you live on a lighter note and you start to not worry or stress about the small stuff - and it's all small stuff.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Off Button Wanted

On. Off.  Such a simple concept for what seems to be a simple task.  I want one.  I know I have plenty - on my computer, in the house, in the car but I want one for my brain - my thoughts.  Some meditation gurus and zen workers would say that I already have it but I'm just not that convinced. 

I see myself more of the hard wiring behind the switch that connects to the fuse which connects to the grid and so on.
I try to turn it off whenever I find myself lost within the "on" switch especially when I go to bed but I catch myself waking up and writing things on a notepad or most of the time just staring at the ceiling - thinking.  Maybe its  because baby brain has me trying to figure out who I am all over again - that is if I knew who I was before.  Before I had my son almost 5 months ago or because I was so used to 'thinking' about myself only and now I not only 'think' about and for my son but also about my husband.  Husband. Son.  House.  Bills.  Friends. Family.  L-I-F-E.

Too bad ebay and amazon.com don't sell an off button.